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 A new year. What a terrifying start it is presenting with. Always before I  have hoped to see financial gains, weight loss, the typical new years goals. Nothing typical is in my head today.

     Today I look toward this new year and hope to celebrate birthdays and holidays throughout the year. I hope to actually meet my new daughter and not just give her life. I want to make plans and know I'll be here to carry them thru.

     I really am trying to stay positive and have faith. It's easy to tell someone to be strong and it will be ok. I have said to others numerous times. But, sometimes that hope falters and it's really hard to gather up and grab back onto it.

     I think it just is really hard to be anticipating an event that should be filled with joy and happiness instead filled with fear and so much unknown.  My sweet Kalani is going to be such a wonderful gift to her whole family. I know this and to this I must cling on these hard days.

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